The not so pretty moments in life

          I'm not the type of person to focus on outer beauty, but like most women, I love dressing up, wearing make-up and just keeping an all-around fresh look.  I'm not afraid of people seeing my flaws: I have acne, freckles and I'm definitely bigger then the average girl.  Those things honestly don't bother me that much.  I used to be more concerned about it and wouldn't leave the house until I was satisfied with my appearance.  In the past few years, I've realized that it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside.  I know, it sounds super cheesy, but I think confidence shines brighter then any flaw.  God clearly states in 1 Peter 3:3-4, that we shouldn't worry about our external beauty, but the beauties of the heart.  

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. (1 Peter 3:3-4)

          This past week, I've definitely been challenged in this.  On Wednesday morning I woke-up with my left eye starting to swell.  I hadn't been feeling good for a couple days, but I wasn't too concerned.  I took the day off work to try and get rid of this cold I had started and took some meds to try and get the swelling down and get rid of this disgusting head cold.
          Well, things got worse.  The next day, my eye was so swollen and my lip was starting to swell-up as well.  Everyone at work was concerned and at this point I new this wasn't normal.  A friend of mine was feeling under the weather too, so we went to the hospital to get checked out.  You have to understand that camp isn't near any big hospital.  We had no choice, but to go to a rural hospital, which don't exactly have the greatest reputation and now I understand why.  The doctor told us both that we had sinusitis, which is basically a sinus infection and prescribed us both medication.  The doctor wasn't too concerned about my face at this point and said it's probably just some allergic reaction and to take Benadryl.  Not really what I wanted to hear.  So I rested for the rest of the day, took my meds and watched Star Wars, which consisted more of sleeping.
          Feeling hopeful that my face was going to go back to normal, I took my meds and went to bed.  Well, Friday morning, I woke-up with my eye swollen shut and a rash developing on the entire left side of my face.  I was feeling really sick from the cold, from the meds I was on and this allergic reaction.  My emotions were pretty high and I refused to leave my bed.  I honestly have never felt so disgusting in my life, I hated the world at that moment.  I knew I was over reacting, but to put things into context, I work with 13 men and two women, plus there was a school group of about 50 students waiting upstairs.  I was not going to let the world see my face, which looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame's face by this point.  So, I pouted.  Till they dragged me out of bed to go to the hospital once again, it took quite a few pep talks to get out of the room and I felt pretty nauseas too.  So being a good friend, he drove me to the hospital again, just for a different doctor to tell me to let it "run it's course."  I kind of hated her in that moment.
          Not satisfied with her answer, after everyone was done work for the week, I came to the city and went to the doctors for the third time in two days.  I was feeling a little down and thought I was going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life.  I think these pills were seriously making me super dramatic.  Anyways, this doctor seemed a little more concerned and had seemed to have the answers.  It is a severe allergic reaction, but instead of "letting it run it's course," she had more meds for me to take!  I am currently on four medications (crazy, right?).  I take Azithromycin for the sinus infection, Prednisone, for the allergic reaction, which has some pretty hardcore side effects.  I am also taking Ranitidine to help with the rash and Benadryl to also help with the allergy symptoms.  Let's just say it has been a long night and day.

          I've learnt so much this past week.  I've learnt patience; that not everything will happen on my schedule and it will get better when it decides to get better.  I've learnt that I love my face so much more when it's normal and that the flaws I had before, is nothing compared to the disgusting swollen/ rashy face that I had this week.  I've also learnt to love the people I work with even more.  So many of them were concerned for my health and prayed so much for me.  They encouraged me and helped me see the bright side of things.  I'm so excited to get back to normal and for staff training to start in just over a week!  Thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers.

Another very encouraging verse about beauty that I read today:

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

#2: Fears

So this one is probably more difficult then the previous question because a) I have many fears, b) this one is definitely more personal c) it will probably take longer to explain all of them.  Some of them are more serious and some of them are just stupid.  Here I go.

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

1.  I'm scared of being alone.  Yes, I am scarred that I'll be single for the rest of my life, but this time I'm talking about actually, physically being alone.  I'll give an example.  This past February, my family left for Mexico a few days earlier then I did, so I had the house to myself.  Which in theory sounds fantastic, but in reality I was freaking on the inside.  Honestly, every night, I would run down the stairs, put the alarm on and run back to my room.  If I keep myself occupied, I don't notice it as much, but when I do realize that I'm alone, I get super anxious.  I have no idea how this came to be a fear.  It just kind of happened.  I would also like to point out that my roommate is gone for the night, so I need to walk back to the cabin by myself... Great.

2.  Fear of dying.  I'm not afraid of death in itself, I'm afraid of the actual process of dying.  I'm especially scared of seeing other people get hurt and not being able to do anything to help or worse, them dying.  I know exactly where this fear comes from and this is were it gets super personal.  I don't want to make this into a super sob story, but basically what happened was about a year and a half ago, I was at a family gathering, my grandma collapsed and died two days later in the hospital.  There are many details, but that is for another time, maybe or just ask me about it.  Anyways, this is the time in my life were that fear became more intense.  This can also be a positive thing, because it showed me the urgency in sharing the gospel to those who haven't heard it yet.

3.  My last fear, would have to be boys.  I'm kidding, but at the same time completely serious.  Not like I can't talk to boys, I can.  It's when you start getting feelings involved, things start getting weird and personal.  I just don't like it.  I've come to the conclusion that if there is ever mutual affection, he's going to have to speak first, because I can't.  I don't think this is a bad thing, my man will just have to be bold.  I think that this fear might have sprouted from my fear of commitment and having a boyfriend scares the crap out of me.  Side note: in the past few years, I've also realized that I don't know how to flirt or I'm really bad at it... Anyways, don't know where that fear came from, but I'm working on it... Kind of.

Hope you enjoyed!

#1: 20 Random Things

So, I've decided to post again.  I know, it's been a while.  I've also decided it would be easier, but at the same time challenging, to start a new "series".  By this I mean, I found this on a friends (two actually) and decided to try it out myself.

The first one

#1: List 20 random things about yourself. 

1. My favourite TV show is probably Criminal Minds.

2. I love to knit, even though I only know a couple stitches and like two patterns.

3. I'm scared of the future.  People usually see me as a confident person and someone who has it all together, but I'm scared of the unknown.

4. I don't have a favourite band.  I can never narrow it down to one.

5. I've already had 6 different types of jobs (Secretary, Hockey coach, Nanny, Camp counsellor, Substitute teacher, Early Childhood Assistant)

6. I'm trilingual (In order: French, English and Spanish)

7. I think I have about 150-ish Beanie Babies I've managed to collect as a child, just sitting in a box in the basement.

8.  Most people know this, but I can get pretty anxious sometimes (or a lot).

9. I LOVEEEEEEE Beauty and the Beast!!!!!!!

10.  I've never had a boyfriend or even kissed a boy.

11.  I can't draw.  Like honestly, it's bad.

12.  I think I'm addicted to caffeine.

13.  When nobody is home, I just crank the music and sing at the top of my lungs and just dance.  I can't sing or dance.

14. I talk to my pets.

15.  I love kids and babies.  They're just so adorable!

16.  My favourite colour is purple.

17.  I bite my nails way too much.

18.  I can't sleep in.  Honestly, I don't think I've ever slept till noon or not that I can remember.  I can't even remember the last time I've slept till 10.

19.  I have my scuba diving certification.  I love water.

20.  The only thing that is certain in my life, Jesus.

Oh, and here are the questions I will be answering the posts to come:
1. List 20 random things about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What's the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?

Love one another

This has really been on my heart lately and is probably one of my biggest challenges; loving others.  I don't mean your family or your closest friends.  I mean loving people you don't even know or might not like that much.  The greatest and first commandment is "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind." (Matthew 22: 37-38)  This commandment has it's challenges in itself, but here is the second commandment: "You shall love your neighbour as yourself" (Mark 12:31)  This has definitely been my most recent struggle.  I am to quick to judge others and I am always around the people that is easiest to love.  I am scared to be vulnerable to others, because I don't want to get hurt.

Many people that I seek guidance from have told me that if you trust in God and if your heart belongs to him, then there is nothing else that can harm me.  I think what is holding me back is the fear of rejection.  I've always had trust issues and have been hurt by others, slowly I've started to build up this wall to keep others out.  There's still things that I can tell others, but there is still some truth hidden behind my wall.  It's not that I don't trust the Lord, it's that I don't trust myself.  I'm scared of scaring people away.  No matter what, I'll never be perfect in any way, but there is always room for improvement.  This is definitely one of my challenges and something I am working on.  Sometime's you need to go back to the the first commandment of loving the Lord, so you can do a better job at loving others.

One of my goals this year is to love others.  Not in a superficial kind of way, I don't want to just skim the surface.  I want to be able to build these relationships that are so much more then that and not fear the heartbreaks, because in the end, it's the love that I give that they'll remember.  You don't want to miss the opportunity to show the love of Christ by loving others.  

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

(Romans 8:38-39)

Choice or feeling?

Recently I've been struggling with the idea of love being a choice or just simply a feeling.  Do we love the people around because it is naturally in us or is it because we made that choice?

Well this is what the dictionary has to say about love:

noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

In the second definition it clearly states that it is a personal attachment or deep affection.  I personally don't believe that we can just create this affection because we want to, I think it's a gift from God.  I think there is still a certain level of choice, but as humans we can't just ignore this feeling.

You also need to remember that there are different types of love, C.S. Lewis talks about this in his book "The Four Loves."  He categorizes them as affection, friendship, romance and unconditional.  Starting with affection, he describes it as the most natural type of love, the type of love that you would have for a family member or someone you ended up with by chance.  Friendship, is a freely chosen love, Lewis describes it as "the least biological, organic, instinctive, gregarious and necessary of our Loves." Romance, is being in love with someone or being loved.  It is a deep emotional connection.  Last, but the one that I find the most important unconditional love, this is the love from God, the type that will last no matter what the circumstances are.  It is the greatest of all loves.  This unconditional love reminds me of a verse I read in 1 John 4:7-8 "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."

Do I think we choose who we love?  Absolutely, but we can't ignore the unconditional love God pours into us.  I also believe that God puts certain people in our lives that we are supposed to love.  God calls us to love others, because HE LOVES US.  God loves us, even if we don't love him back.  We wouldn't know what love is, if He didn't choose to love us.  We turn this thing of perfect unconditional love, into something so sinful, but when you know it's from God, it is so perfect.  This is why I made the choice to walk in love, because God gave me love, even if people reject love from me, He never will.

First step

I've always wanted to make a blog, but for some reason, I have never gotten to doing it.  I feel like God has put it on my heart recently to share my thoughts and experiences through blogging.  I am always inspired by other blogs and maybe I can do the same for others.

I guess I should share a bit about who I am.  Well, I'm Chantale, I'm 19 and I'm a Christian, I struggle daily with sin, but through God's love and grace, I am forgiven.  My goal in life is to live the life that God wants me to lives.  I am writing a blog in the hopes of inspiring others, through testimony, experiences and thoughts.  I also hope to have some fun with it too, by sharing recipes, crafts and day-to-day things... You will learn that I LOVE crafting and baking.  I really do think it's a gift from God.  Oh and I have a passion for traveling as well.

When I first decided to start my blog, I struggled with what I should name it.  I wanted something that would be glorifying and could keep the blog open to many oppurtunities.  The reason I chose "Walk in love," is so that I could talk freely of my faith and show God's love.  Love can be expressed in so many ways:   love for friends, family and children, love for baking or crafting, love of traveling and music, love for those who don't even know it and especially, love for God.  My challenge to you, is to tell those closest to you that you love them, because you never know when it will be too late.

There is so much I want to share in this blog, but I need to save some for next time, but for now, I leave you with one of my favourite verses about love:

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.

(1 John 4:18-19 ESV)